Eintrag & Kommentare
nicht aufgeben
Ich will und ich werde nicht aufgeben. Enttäuscht bin ich natürlich und so unendlich traurig. Ich fange beim kleinsten Anlass an zu weinen und das schon seit Tagen. Für mich ist es spätestens seit gestern endgültig: Unser erster ICSI-Versuch ist fehlgeschlagen! Natürlich ist mir klar, dass es pro Versuch nur eine 30%ige Chance auf Schwangerschaft gibt - und wenn man schwanger ist, das größere Risiko einer Fehlgeburt. Aber dennoch nimmt es mich soviel mehr mit, als ich dachte - und zwar vom Anfang der Behandlung an.
Im Juni schon waren wir bei dem ersten Beratungsgespräch. Dannach folgte monatelanger Kampf mit den Krankenkassen - und warten auf die geforderten zwei aktuellen Spermiogramme aus den letzten drei Monaten meines Mannes. Dann wieder den Zyklus abwarten - bis zum 21. Tag, wo ich mit dem Nasenspray anfangen konnte. Wieder warten bis die Regel einsetzte, die natürlich auf sich warten liess. Als sie endlich einsetzte, fing ich am dritten Zyklustag mit der Stimulationsspritzerei an. Wieder warten bis zum 8. Zyklustag, an dem die erste Follikelschau stattfand. Nach diesem Termin war ich schon etwas traurig, weil sich relativ wenig Follikel gebildet hatten und die auch noch relativ klein waren - also Dosiserhöhung und auf den nächsten Termin warten. Und wieder warten bis zum nächsten Ultraschall. Der wage angesetzte Termin für die Punktion wurde noch um ein Wochenende verschoben - und ich musste wieder warten.
Die Punktion (Montag, dem 28.11.2005) verlief erstaunlicherweise gut: 7 entnommene Follikel, problemlose Vollnarkose und ich durfte schnell nach Hause. Ich wartete wieder - bis zum nächsten Tag, an dem mir telefonisch mitgeteilt wurde, dass man vier Eizellen befruchten konnte. Noch einen Tag später, an einem Mittwoch bekam ich drei davon zurück. Bereits da war mir schon irgendwie mulmig und ich begann zu zweifeln, ob es denn klappen könnte. Ich bekam zwei Vierzeller und einen Zweizeller zurück. Der Arzt machte eine wage Andeutung, dass das Sperma nicht so toll war. Carsten hatte mir schon gebeichtet, dass am Montag was daneben gegangen war.
Die Warteschleife verlief eigentlich recht ruhig und doch hoffnungsvoll - bis zum ersten Bluttest nach sechs Tagen. Ab da war es vorbei mit dem letzten Rest Gelassenheit und Ruhe. Jetzt war ich vollends ein Nervenbündel und verschleuderte einen Urintest nach dem anderen - alle negativ. Bis vor zwei Tagen konnten sie ja auch nicht positiv sein - seit zwei Tagen hätten sie das aber sein müssen. Dazu kam noch das anstrengende Wochenende mit meinen Eltern.
Ich war/bin im Wechselbad der Gefühle und Stimmungen. Wann habe ich zuletzt aus vollem Herzen gelacht? Es scheint schon so lange her.
Morgen bekomme ich das endgültige AUS für diesen Versuch. Ich will mich körperlich fit machen - endlich wirklich aufhören zu rauchen und wieder abnehmen. Die insgesamt 10 Kilo Frust- und Hibbelspeck will ich wieder - wenigstens annähernd - abbauen.
Den nächsten Versuch will ich so schnell wie möglich starten - hoffentlich reicht meinem Doc ein Wartezyklus aus. "ICSI-Die Zweite" wäre dann irgendwann im Februar '06... Ich hoffe und glaube fest daran, dass ich es dann wenigstens etwas gelassener angehen kann. Zumindest kenne ich dann ja schon all die Medikamente, Spritzen und Untersuchungen sowie deren Abstände und muss nicht voller Ungewissheit vor dem Unbekannten von einem Termin zum nächsten fiebern ...
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